FOTO- chairs at bellingen growers’ markets
and speaking of an entirely different kind of chair
Beware of plastic stacker chairs
BARRY KEARNS
Trevor’s on a mission to Consumer Affairs,
trying to get a ban on plastic stacker chairs
He reckons that they’re dangerous, a serious threat to life
Cos it was through a plastic chair that he got into strife.
It was at the Tamworth Festival, a concert in the park,
Trev and Ken were there, with gear to last them until dark.
An esky full of coldies, Trev was without a care-
Stubbies, thongs and t-shirt, on his plastic stacker chair.
But as he stretched his legs out, his left crown jewel rolled free,
and dropped through the chair seat, a real catastrophe.
But Trev remained unaware of his dire situation,
Until they gave the singer a standing ovation.
As Trev rose to his feet he gave a fearsome yell,
Cos tethered to his testicle,
The chair came up as well.
He grabbed the chair with both hands as he crashed back to the ground,
But the errant family jewel was well and truly stuck he quickly found
He tried to extract the enclosed cod but he began to curse
Cos nothing he did seemed to work, it only made things worse.
Trev’s mate Ken was laughing fit to go right off his brain,
Ken’s tears were from laughter but Trev’s were from real pain.
Ken produced a Stanley knife and Trev’s mouth went dry,
He said “I’ll only cut the chair” but Trev wouldn’t let him try.
Well Ken climbed underneath the chair and tried to poke things through,
It’s times like these when you find out what your mates will really do.
They pulled and poked and prodded but all efforts were in vain
Trevor’s nut was red and raw and giving heaps of pain
All this unwanted attention was no good you realise,
Trevor’s tortured testicle swelled to twice its size.
Well the word spread quickly througT the Park,
And people tried to get a glimpse of trev’s threatened castration.
Mums and Dads and kids and dogs of every age-
Trev got more attention than the singer on the stage.
Little kids were pointing, dogs were trying to have a smell,
And Trevor, trying to cover up, said “Go to Bloody Hell”!
“Poor bloke needs an ice pack” was the only good advice,
So they sat Trevor over his esky, with his agate in the ice!
Someone called an ambulance, and they drove through the crowd,
Trev was drinking Bundy rum, and swearing very loud.
When the ambos stopped laughing they carted Trev away,
to the hospital where he was the highlight of the day.
Well Trevor’s now recovered, with both crown jewels in place,
But don’t offer him a plastic chair if you truly value your face.
And next year at the Festival Trevor will be there,
wearing tight undies and long trousers, on his canvas fold-out chair.
THE OLD PROVERBIAL RECOVERY 